i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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