And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize