If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
