The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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