Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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