you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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