I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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