I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
