I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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