I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Last time i carry you out of a forest
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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