shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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