Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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