I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
