When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
