yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We need to get me chipped asap
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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