i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
