You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
