I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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