I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Randomize
