I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize