I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i will never coherently bang her
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
