I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Randomize
