I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Randomize