What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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