we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
