I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
