I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
