My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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