Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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