Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
