Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize