I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
