My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
