Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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