i'm signing you up for texting rehab
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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