I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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