She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
