morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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