dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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