Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
