so that wasnt chicken after all
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
