I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
