I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
