I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
