dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
