I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
