hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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