We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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