if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
