my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
