Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize