my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
