I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
